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In adding to the Rocky canon, there are two obvious choices: make another sequel, (which was done as recently as four years ago with Rocky Balboa), or remake the original 1976 film. What nobody saw coming was a remake of the culturally dated 1985 sequel Rocky IV.

By skipping a reboot of the entire franchise and going straight for a specific chapter, writer/director David Cox-Arquette parodies Hollywood’s self-professed “remake hysteria”  with zaniness and bat-shit irony. The brilliant casting of  Mr. T as Rocky prevents further directors from following in his foot steps by insuring that a Rocky III remake is all but impossible. Additionally, Cox-Arquette’s other casting choices are sure to amuse and confuse anyone nostalgic about the original cold war classic. Dolph Lundgren dons black-face make-up to play Apollo Creed, 64-year-old Talia Shire reprises her role as Adrian Balboa, and Ellen DeGeneres (in drag) plays the ghost of coach Mickey Goldmill.  The Daily Show‘s Aasif Mandvi plays the film’s main antagonist as a part what may be Cox-Aquette’s boldest and most entertaining directorial decision. Following in recent remake tradition, the Russian menace of the 80’s is replaced with the more currently relevant threat of Islamic terrorism. However, Afghanistan’s “Great Brown Hope” is inexplicably still named Ivan Drogo!

Punch for punch, the action sequences in Rocky IV leave any previous Rocky movie in the dust. Mr. T is as ripped as he’s ever been, and Mandvi’s swift footwork required the film crew to actually speed up the camera in order to capture his lightning-quick moves. The boxing, however, is not the reason to see this film. Cox-Aquette throws twist after twist at his unsuspecting audience, asking more questions than he answers, but always satisfying with sharp whit and intense drama. And also boobs. Talia Shire may not have the figure she did in 1985, but her devoted fans have nothing to complain about. The best part is how the classy nude scene is tied into the film’s climax. Adrian Balboa causes the necessary 15th-round diversion by flashing her mature rack at Drogo while Rocky delivers the knock-out blow. Classy stuff.

If you are a fan of the original 1984 film, you will be crying blood out of your ears before the end of the opening credits. If you hated the original film, you will shoot yourself before you even sit down in your seat. Without having seen the film, it is difficult for me to describe what is so offensive about it, but I think it is safe to start with the casting.  Jaden Smith is by far too young to be playing Mr. Miyagi, and Jackie Chan is much too old to be playing Daniel-san. In addition, the young Chinese boy they got to play Johnny Lawrence doesn’t even have blond hair. Probably the worst choice, however, was casting a giant panda in the role of Kreese. I don’t care how loudly they sneeze, there is nothing less intimidating than a giant panda. With such weak protagonists and antagonists, the audience is forced to root for some of the random preliminary opponents that Daniel has to fight in the early rounds of the tournament. Of course, that is only if you are still paying attention by the time the lack-luster climax roles around. The training montages last too long, and it is painful to see the elderly Chan waxing his chest during this version’s misinterpretation of the “wax-on/wax-off” sequence. For me, though, the most perplexing element of the story is, while Mr. Miyagi is clearing teaching kung-fu, Daniel-san accidentally learns karate instead.  This, of course, is supposed to be the big payoff in the final scene when Daniel’s opponent is expecting  a Preying Mantis style attack only to be hit with an awkwardly-placed karate chop instead. There is no build-up or dramatic tension in this scene. The karate chop is the first thing that happens in the match, and Chinese Johnny Lawrence goes down immediately.  He does not stop crying until he is finally eaten by his coach, the giant panda.  The only thing satisfying about that final scene is knowing that the film is over.  Luckily, the evil studio that made this abomination did not receive one dime of my money for it. However if I happen to accidentally stumble upon it on TV someday, I will call up director Harald Zwart and demand that he give me $20 for the fury it will cause my spirit.