Donkeyblog Donkeyshines is the Land of Absurd T-shirts!

Here are those story premises I told you about in the title of this post:

1. An eccentric billionaire inventor makes jet packs for the consumer market. The problem is, they must be powered by human blood. Lots of it.
2. Jerry Dolans, a.k.a Agent Jackknife, was the best spy in the biz. His Turret’s affliction was never an issue until one day it directly led to the death of his contact in Geneva. Because of his high standing with the president, Jerry is given clearance to try an experimental (and highly classified) treatment for his disease. Unfortunately the treatment actually worsens his condition. However, there is a happy side effect, as his extra swearing outbursts turns him into the ultimate stand-up comedian. His career takes off quickly, but he soon runs into trouble when he starts doing jokes about his old spy days. With his former employers out to kill him, he enlists the help of a small band of Facebook fans to protect him and help get his story out.
3. Officials in a small Georgia town pass a law which makes obesity mandatory. The track stars of the local high school organize a major protest in front of town hall. When the mayor dies of an obesity-related heart attack, the track team is charged with murder. With their due process rights being ignored, they are forced to plan an escape from the jail house before what is guaranteed to be a sham of a trial. The townspeople are demanding the death penalty, and the judge is up for re-election.
4. A celebrity chef must go into hiding after a series of ridiculously unlikely and unrelated coincidences cause the deaths of every single person eating at his restaurant one night. After a few months pass, the restaurant is abandoned and condemned. The chef then moves into the boarded up building and pretends to be a ghost to frighten off curious trespassers. However, it turns out the place really IS haunted- by the ghosts of all the people who died that fateful night. Fortunately, they’re all idiots and can’t see through the chef’s disguise.
5. A kung-fu instructor has some explaining to do when is beaten up by two 10-yr old boys at a beach.

I am still trying to come up with an idea for a Webcomic. This process has led me to write some more story premises:

1. A flying saucer crashes in the jungle. All passengers are killed except one little baby alien. A tribe of gorillas adopts the little orphan, raises him and teaches him the ways of the forest. The gorillas grow super intelligent from the crashed ship’s radiation, and the alien becomes like Tarzan.
2. After arriving home following a particularly brutal loss, an aging prize fighter finds a mysterious package on his doorstep. Inside the package is a pair of old, dirty boxing gloves. Having lost his own gloves due to his ever increasing absent-mindedness, he begins using the strange gift during his training sessions. As time passes, he finds his reflexes improve, as well as all of his cognitive faculties. He correctly assumes the gloves are magic, yet sees no reason to question where they came from or how they became so magic. He is happy with the results, except for one unfortunate side effect: He grows six huge, female breasts. This is a trade-off he’s willing to live with, but will his new sensitive and inconveniently located body parts prove to be a disadvantage in the ring?
3. When an undercover cop with a severe lemon allergy starts working in a Sprite bottling plant, he uncovers a shocking secret. There is no real lemon flavor in Sprite! This knowledge forces him to make a difficult decision. Should he risk blowing his cover to expose the lie, or does he allow the company to continue deceiving it’s billions of customers? Also, the floor manager of the factory is an evil lizard-man.
4. A middle-aged married couple decides to spice up their sex life by having a threesome with an Internet stranger. Awkwardness abounds when the person who answers the ad turns out to be the priest from their church who married them. He shows up wearing a ski mask and tries to disguise his voice, but the couple recognizes him immediately. In order to avoid humiliating him, the couple decides to pretend they don’t know him and they all go ahead with threesome. Well, it turns out that the whole thing was a sting operation! The priest secretly recorded everything and plays the tape to the entire congregation at the next mass! Somehow, the church members don’t realize that the masked man is the priest, but they demand severe punishment for the deviant couple. The church mob eventually chases the couple out of town with pitch forks and torches. However, the couple gets revenge by borrowing a monster truck from a neighboring town and drives it right through the church. They run over the priest, but because he’s made of rubber, he’s totally fine. However, being run over by a monster truck was just the wake-up call he needed to see the error of his ways. He apologizes to the couple and explains the whole story to the rest of the church. He then declares that, from hence forth, November 11 with be known as Threesome Day. Every year on this date, all church members are encouraged to drive monster trucks through their living rooms. Ironically, instead of doing that, most church members just have threesomes on that day.
5. A magician’s beautiful assistant and his rabbit are tired of playing supporting rolls in his act. When they decide to set out on their own, the magician falls into a deep depression. He begins to drink heavily and his work suffers. One morning after a show, he’s found dead in his motel room. Police say it was suicide but the former assistant and the rabbit aren’t convinced. As they attempt to solve the case, they learn strange secrets about their former employer’s past. Like, for instance, he liked to suspend 5lb weights from his balls.
6. Everyone thinks this one minotaur is a douche because he dresses like a hipster, but he’s actually pretty cool and down to earth. The slightly pudgy, but cute art chick should totally try talking to him. Maybe she could invite him to her opening reception, because he totally likes art. First, though, she must overcome her extreme shyness, and also her fear of bulls. Her father, a matador, was killed during a show, after some jokester secretly replaced his sword with a floppy rubber one.

I guess a few of these are so long that they actually becomes stories, not just premises…There will be more some time soon.