Posts Tagged ‘Jessica Alba’

Review: Machete

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010

The film Machete brings to mind a very interesting question: Who the hell is Danny Trejo? Answer: he plays that homely guy in Grindhouse. Didn’t see Grindhouse? Well, he also plays that ugly guy in Spy Kids. Hint: If there’s a grisly, leathery convict-type  in a Robert Rodriguez movie, it’s definitely Danny Trejo. The guy has a face like a catcher’s mitt that someone dropped in a toilet, then dried off with a blowtorch. This, of course, is why we love him. The guy looks like he’s seen some hard prison time, which in fact, he has. He’s the real deal, and I can’t believe Stallone made Expendables without him. Unfortunately for Trejo,   he got to be in Machete instead. Who needs twenty MILLION dollars when you can have 45 THOUSAND instead?

If you’ve seen even half of the 30-second TV trailer, then you really have all the information you need. Some crooked American bastard disrespects a leathery Mexican guy, and the leathery Mexican guy spends the rest of the movie trying to stab the American with a machete. In between gun fights and knife duels, “ole’ leathery” gets it on with Jessica Alba. Believing that a young, attractive girl like Alba would fall for a gargoyle in a denim vest is not the issue here. We’re all familiar with the “King of Queens” principle, which states that attractive women are attainable for any man who has ever picked up a football and thrown it to another man, regardless of his appearance. In Trejo’s case, it was probably a soccer ball, but I digress.  The real problem with this film (in case you haven’t guessed) is that Jessica Alba is in it. Not only is she in the movie, but she’s “topfull” the whole time. If dumb male actors like Channing Tatum have to take off their shirts in movies, it’s only fair that dumb female actors have to also. Alba’s insistence on wearing clothes has ruined every movie she has ever been in, and the streak continues with Machete.  The next time Danny Trejo has to be in a movie with a clothed Jessica Alba, he should demand a raise. Nobody should have to work under those conditions.

Review: Ghost (Remake)

Tuesday, August 10th, 2010

The behind-the-scenes drama that occurred during the production of the Ghost remake is much more interesting than the movie itself. If the studio is willing to absorb the humiliation, they should release a documentary chronicling these misadventures. In fact, I am so sure this is what the studio should do that I almost hesitate to describe what happened. Fortunately, documentaries are rarely ruined by spoilers.

The story of the remaking of Ghost starts with executive producer Whoopi Goldberg. It was Whoopi who outlined the slightly updated script, it was Whoopi who sold it to the studio, and it was Whoopi who convinced them that she could summon Patrick Swayze’s real ghost to play the lead. It’s hard to belief that the execs really thought she could commune with the dead, but then again, it’s hard to believe that anyone would let Whoopi Goldberg into their office in the first place. I’m told she’s extremely flatulent and sometimes enjoys lighting her farts on fire while in the middle of making a pitch. Not only is this smelly and dangerous, but it’s also really distracting. It’s possible that the only reason they green-lit Ghost in the first place was to get her out of the room faster.

If someone has actual footage of Whoopi’s seances to bring back Patrick Swayze, that documentary I mentioned earlier will win an Oscar. All that has been leaked to the press so far is that she suffered nervous breakdowns and was often seen around town crying, drinking, and talking to herself. She even started a fight in a bar one night. When questioned, she said she was trying to recreate a scene from Roadhouse, hoping Swayze would show up to stop the brawl. He never appeared, and Whoopi ended up spending a night in jail. That’s where the studio execs stepped in to take back control of their movie. They signed Ed Norton to play the lead, Queen Latifa to replace Goldberg, and Jessica Alba to play the Demi Moore role. Rumor has it that Norton was reluctant to join the cast without Goldberg’s approval, siting a deep respect for her original choices. This explains why he claimed to be possessed by Swayze’s ghost when he was signing his contract. In fact, Norton never broke character in Goldberg’s presence during the entire production. This included both the premiere screening and wrap party. It’s hard to say whether or not Whoopi believed him, but she clearly appreciated the effort.

Of course it will all be for nothing, as this movie is going to TANK! Seriously, who has the patience to watch Jessica Alba on screen when she so stubbornly refuses to show her boobs? I know there was no topless scenes in the original movie, but that was one of the “updates” I was expecting in the remake. If she wants people to stop asking her to take off her top, she should become a better actress so that her acting will be good enough distract us from the lack of nudity. Unfortunately for the rest of the hard-working cast, Alba single-handedly destroyed the Ghost remake. For the sake of Patrick Swayze’s legacy, we should all forget this ever happened. If you want to see a pottery love scene, watch the original. If you want to see a pottery love scene featuring boobs, then splice in scenes of nude Demi Moore from Striptease.