Review: Machete

The film Machete brings to mind a very interesting question: Who the hell is Danny Trejo? Answer: he plays that homely guy in Grindhouse. Didn’t see Grindhouse? Well, he also plays that ugly guy in Spy Kids. Hint: If there’s a grisly, leathery convict-type  in a Robert Rodriguez movie, it’s definitely Danny Trejo. The guy has a face like a catcher’s mitt that someone dropped in a toilet, then dried off with a blowtorch. This, of course, is why we love him. The guy looks like he’s seen some hard prison time, which in fact, he has. He’s the real deal, and I can’t believe Stallone made Expendables without him. Unfortunately for Trejo,   he got to be in Machete instead. Who needs twenty MILLION dollars when you can have 45 THOUSAND instead?

If you’ve seen even half of the 30-second TV trailer, then you really have all the information you need. Some crooked American bastard disrespects a leathery Mexican guy, and the leathery Mexican guy spends the rest of the movie trying to stab the American with a machete. In between gun fights and knife duels, “ole’ leathery” gets it on with Jessica Alba. Believing that a young, attractive girl like Alba would fall for a gargoyle in a denim vest is not the issue here. We’re all familiar with the “King of Queens” principle, which states that attractive women are attainable for any man who has ever picked up a football and thrown it to another man, regardless of his appearance. In Trejo’s case, it was probably a soccer ball, but I digress.  The real problem with this film (in case you haven’t guessed) is that Jessica Alba is in it. Not only is she in the movie, but she’s “topfull” the whole time. If dumb male actors like Channing Tatum have to take off their shirts in movies, it’s only fair that dumb female actors have to also. Alba’s insistence on wearing clothes has ruined every movie she has ever been in, and the streak continues with Machete.  The next time Danny Trejo has to be in a movie with a clothed Jessica Alba, he should demand a raise. Nobody should have to work under those conditions.

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