The Last Exorcism Part II opens in theaters this week, but who gives a shit. Today, I’m reviewing Part III, which may or may not currently be in the planning stage, or production, or post production, or about to be green-lit by some fatso producer trying to escape the porn industry. I guess I’m just mad that someone would think B Horror shlock is somehow better than porn. Anyway, on to the movie. What we all learned yesterday in the news is that Pope Benedict resigned his post so he could star in this movie. Bad career move, I say. Popes get way more hot chicks than B Movie actors, just ask Bruce Campbell. He barely ever scored when he was doing Evil Dead, but when he became Pope, his life turned around. He now doesn’t have to waste time doing crappy movies, which is why I think it is so weird that Benedict is shelling out over $1,000 to get a face lift to look like Bruce Campbell. I guess he figures it may improve his English-speaking ability and make him a better actor. It will not. Obviously.
The Plot of The Last Exorcism Part III is what you’d expect. A really flexible teenage girl, who is always doing back bends and moving in a jerky manner, is thought to be possessed by the devil. Naturally, a priest is called upon to put a stop to her awkward gymnastics. Benedict throws some holy water, her face gets scalded, then he realizes that they gave him the wrong stuff at the drug store. It was actually sulfuric acid, not holy water. An easy mistake to make, but this priest was already on thin ice for some pee-pee touching he did back in his younger days. He couldn’t risk another scandal, so he needed to find a way to cover it up. Burning the girl at the stake was his best bet, but he had forgotten one thing: The girl’s boyfriend was a fire-fighter! The boyfriend could tell that Benedict was up to no good when he overheard him bragging to Mel Gibson about how he was going to get away with his acid-y snafu. Did I mention that the boyfriend is played by Community‘s Donald Glover? This is significant because it adds a whole layer of confusion to the film. People often think Donald is related to Danny Glover who starred with Mel Gibson in those Lethal Weapon movies. Donald is of no relation to Danny, but that’s beside the point. In this movie, Mel Gibson is played by Chevy Chase, Donald’s co-star on Community. Chevy does a great job acting crazy like Mel, but that’s the only bright spot of the movie. Even with his Bruce Campbell face, Benedict is impossible to understand, and his delivery is terrible. Glover’s performance is a big disappointment, too. I don’t really remember who played the girl, but it doesn’t really matter because she isn’t very attractive. Even before the acid.
Anyways, the movie totally sucks. Don’t go see it, if it ever exists.
