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June 28, 2010

Review- The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Filed under: Movie Reviews — Tags: , , , — Ryan Klemek @ 5:18 pm

For fans of action-oriented vampire films, the latest installment in the Twilight Saga: Eclipse may be somewhat of a disappointment. For me, though, I found the dull, sloth-like plot to be original and refreshing.  As any Mormon can tell you, vampires aren’t all about the sex and blood. Immortality means an infinite amount of time for reflection and personal growth, even if you are so young when you become a vampire that you can never grow a beard to expound your wisdom.

This chapter begins with the romantic vampire Edward witnessing the love of his life Bella receiving oral pleasure from his wolfman rival Jacob. The scene is surprisingly graphic, as we see Jacob planted squarely between Bella’s legs, lifting his head  only to occasionally reassure her that oral sex doesn’t actually count as “sex”. Edward, watching through the window just above the bed, is not convinced. We see that he is so disappointed in Bella that he can’t even muster the energy to be angry. His muffled sobs are heard by the lovers inside, but he dashes off with vampire speed before Bella can scramble out of the house to “explain” the situation. She finally catches up with him on the edge of a cliff where he is staring directly into a solar eclipse. He is attempting to burn out his retinas in order remove the terrible vision of infidelity he has just witnessed. Unfortunately for him, this masochistic act is undone by his super vampire healing powers only moments after he loses his sight. Realizing that his temporary handicap earned him sympathy and affection from Bella, he spends the next act of the film faking blindness to keep her by his side. However, Jacob is also blinded when he gets shot in both eyes by silver bullets, and Edward loses his pity advantage. Eddie is forced to come clean about regaining his sight when he instinctively reacts to the visual cue of Jacob leaning in to kiss him. Jacob, legitimately blind, insists that he mistook Edward’s flowery scent for Bella’s. It is ambiguous as to whether or not he is telling the truth about this, and we’re left wondering what his true motivations for the attempted kiss really are.

One of the problems viewers might have with the film is that it ends before the near-kiss between the two boyish monsters is resolved. It is clear that this will be a major plot point in the next sequel, but, if you expect a formulaic Hollywood ending to this one, you will probably not leave the theater feeling very satisfied. Perhaps Robert Pattinson’s brooding subtlety is not quite subtle enough to earn him an Oscar this time, but it is encouraging to see him beginning to develop into the talent he is destined to be. The rest of the cast has a way to go before they catch up to him, but the masterful direction and cinematography make up for any of their shortcomings. I, for one, am grateful that director David Slade decided to take a cue from fellow vampire expert Joss Whedon in giving his audience what it NEEDS, instead of what it wants.

June 21, 2010

Review- The Karate Kid (2010)

Filed under: Movie Reviews — Ryan Klemek @ 2:11 pm

If you are a fan of the original 1984 film, you will be crying blood out of your ears before the end of the opening credits. If you hated the original film, you will shoot yourself before you even sit down in your seat. Without having seen the film, it is difficult for me to describe what is so offensive about it, but I think it is safe to start with the casting.  Jaden Smith is by far too young to be playing Mr. Miyagi, and Jackie Chan is much too old to be playing Daniel-san. In addition, the young Chinese boy they got to play Johnny Lawrence doesn’t even have blond hair. Probably the worst choice, however, was casting a giant panda in the role of Kreese. I don’t care how loudly they sneeze, there is nothing less intimidating than a giant panda. With such weak protagonists and antagonists, the audience is forced to root for some of the random preliminary opponents that Daniel has to fight in the early rounds of the tournament. Of course, that is only if you are still paying attention by the time the lack-luster climax roles around. The training montages last too long, and it is painful to see the elderly Chan waxing his chest during this version’s misinterpretation of the “wax-on/wax-off” sequence. For me, though, the most perplexing element of the story is, while Mr. Miyagi is clearing teaching kung-fu, Daniel-san accidentally learns karate instead.  This, of course, is supposed to be the big payoff in the final scene when Daniel’s opponent is expecting  a Preying Mantis style attack only to be hit with an awkwardly-placed karate chop instead. There is no build-up or dramatic tension in this scene. The karate chop is the first thing that happens in the match, and Chinese Johnny Lawrence goes down immediately.  He does not stop crying until he is finally eaten by his coach, the giant panda.  The only thing satisfying about that final scene is knowing that the film is over.  Luckily, the evil studio that made this abomination did not receive one dime of my money for it. However if I happen to accidentally stumble upon it on TV someday, I will call up director Harald Zwart and demand that he give me $20 for the fury it will cause my spirit.

June 15, 2010

Kaiju’s Last Stand

Filed under: Kaiju Big Battel — Ryan Klemek @ 1:31 pm

This past weekend at the Trocadero in Philadelphia, we had what is likely to be the last Kaiju Big Battel event. Overall I’d say it was a great success, although two of the most popular characters did not survive the mayhem. Poor Super Wrong was poisoned by Dr. Cube, and died mid-splash from the top of the cage as he pinned Super Minion 13 for is first and only Kaiju victory. Later, Dr. Cube was himself killed during a battle with Powa Ranguru when he was accidentally impaled by a trophy. The Trocadero crowd was one of the best we’ve had in years, though I wonder if they realized this was probably the last time they would see us live.

We had virtually no practice for this show, but I was not at all nervous because we wrote  pretty easy matches. That is, we wrote  matches which we knew would be successful even if all of our spots weren’t perfectly executed. My main match was a tag match featuring all three Plantain brothers reunited. Zombie Pablo joined his brothers Pedro and Paco after he was cured of his zombie-ism by Dusto Bunny and his box of stem cells. Without going into too many details, the match ended with the heroes being victorious, celebrating with a drink of royal jelly provided by their one-time opponent Yarsmenko. Earlier in the match, Yars ditched his tag partner Craw in order to get drunk and take a nap on a pile of crushed sky scrapers. In the end Craw was left alone to fight all of the heroes, but I don’t think anybody felt sorry for him. In addition to the Plantain match, I had a small cameo in the Main Event as Dai Hachi Hachi. This spot can be summed up as creepy dancing, followed by an exploding box of Honey Comb cereal.

Unlike most shows, I really didn’t get to see any of the other matches. This is especially disappointing because, if Kaiju is truly folding, then there may not be a DVD release of this show. There is some fan footage on Youtube, but no complete matches at the moment. I did manage to find this long clip which includes parts from all four matches. I guess it will have to do for the time being. If this really is the end of Kaiju it is quite sad. I’ve been a part of this for ten years, and had some really good times. There were always high hopes for glory and main stream acceptance, and at times it looked like we might actually get there. We did a stint on Jimmy Kimmel, had a bit on ESPN, made national and international news, did a special for MTV and shot a TV pilot for the G4 network, but nothing ever materialized from these opportunities. Part of me was always glad, however, because the amateurish quality is what made Kaiju Big Battel fun for me and for the fans.  Of course, it would have been nice not to have had to pile 8 people in a single hotel room or sleep on someone’s floor while we were traveling. Or, if we all could have been adequately paid for our work, that would have been nice, too. Yet, even without all the luxuries, our fans made us feel like movie stars.  They’ll never know my name or face, and to be honest, there’s no reason they should. Pedro Plantain and Dai Hachi Hachi exist separately from me, and either suit could have been filled by any of the other folks in the group. However, I still feel like the characters’ fame is MY fame. When my sister saw a couple dressed as Plantains at a Halloween party in NY a few years back, I felt exactly how Richard Nixon must have felt when he saw his own likeness in the hit action movie Point Break. Perhaps someone will find a way to keep Kaiju going, or resurrect it in some different form. If this the case, I hope I can continue to be a part of it in some way. And, hopefully this time around, they’ll give us all our own beds to sleep in when we travel.

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