One would probably assume that the plot for a movie called Burger Time would center around a chef at a restaurant, maybe working hard to impress a food critic or something. An equally predictable scenario might involve food coming to life when some kind of radio-active ingredient is added. You’d think it would take an absurd premise to make an audience believe in murderous hot dog and egg people. Surprisingly, Burger Time- The Movie doesn’t take place in a restaurant, and there is no explanation given for the existence of the food monsters.

Christian Bale stars as Peter Pepper, a Louisiana PI with a dark past. His only apparent link to the food industry is that he wears a chef’s hat instead of the typical double-brimmed Sherlock Holmes-type cap. Nobody questions this because they know he’s kind of insane, but they also know he gets results. Peter jokes that the TV show Monk has worked wonders for the public image of loony gum-shoes. In typical film noir fashion, the story begins with Peter being hired by a southern belle (Amy Poehler) who’s sister has recently died. Even though there were 25 bullets found in her sister’s back, police think the death was a suicide. Belle does not agree with this conclusion. She tells Peter how her sister had recently been hanging out with a gang of food monsters in the French Quarter. Peter knows this gang all too well- especially the leader, Mr. Egg. Their relationship is a part of Peter’s “dark past” that he refuses to talk about, which plays a pivotal roll in the film’s climax. Andy Richter gives a breath-taking performance as Mr. Egg, Don Cheadle plays his bodyguard Mr. Hot Dog, and Macaulay Culkin plays his estranged son Mr. Pickle. Given the studio’s insistence on using mascot-type costumes instead of CGI, the believability of the entire film essentially falls on the shoulders of these three brilliant actors. Director Penny Marshall, to her credit, did her part to overcome the limitations of poor production design by insisting on good, clean dialogue and subtle line delivery. Burger Time- The Movie is not big on action, it isn’t very funny, and it is not much of a drama. However, it does everything else exceptionally well. If every movie based on a video game was this good, I am certain the genre would surpass “remakes” as Hollywood’s choice of inspiration.

If you’ve seen even half of the 30-second TV trailer, then you really have all the information you need. Some crooked American bastard disrespects a leathery Mexican guy, and the leathery Mexican guy spends the rest of the movie trying to stab the American with a machete. In between gun fights and knife duels, “ole’ leathery” gets it on with Jessica Alba. Believing that a young, attractive girl like Alba would fall for a gargoyle in a denim vest is not the issue here. We’re all familiar with the “King of Queens” principle, which states that attractive women are attainable for any man who has ever picked up a football and thrown it to another man, regardless of his appearance. In Trejo’s case, it was probably a soccer ball, but I digress.  The real problem with this film (in case you haven’t guessed) is that Jessica Alba is in it. Not only is she in the movie, but she’s “topfull” the whole time. If dumb male actors like Channing Tatum have to take off their shirts in movies, it’s only fair that dumb female actors have to also. Alba’s insistence on wearing clothes has ruined every movie she has ever been in, and the streak continues with Machete.  The next time Danny Trejo has to be in a movie with a clothed Jessica Alba, he should demand a raise. Nobody should have to work under those conditions.

I am still trying to figure out if it is a good likeness. I didn’t paint from any one photo of Jolie, thinking it would be more original to use a bunch of different reference. Plus there was no photo of her in the exact right pose. I think the likeness looks better when you see a detail:

The gloves, basket, bow and body are mostly painted from imagination. Here is a detail of 2 of the kitties:

This falling kittie is my wife’s favorite part of the painting:

I plan to make this painting available for sale. I looked into the legal implications of selling artwork featuring celebrity likenesses, and I think I’ll be OK. Especially since the face can’t be traced back to any particular copyrighted photograph.

Fortunately, Piranha 3D is saved by a bizarre turn of events. After getting his junk mangled, O’Connell has re-constructive surgery to become Elizabeth Shue. Shue then uses kick-ass karate moves she picked up while dating Johnny Lawrence and Daniel LaRusso to beat the crap out of all the fish. You wouldn’t think hand-to-hand combat would be the way to go with a school of hungry piranhas, but Shue makes you believe in baddass miracles. By the time she’s back on the dock feeding her disciples with endless amounts of bread and slaughtered fish,  the audience is back in her corner. I know what you’re thinking. The endless fish is accounted for, but where did she get all the bread? Same place Jesus did: her MIND! Piranha 3D is worth seeing if for no other reason than Richard Dreyfus’s cameo as Jesus Christ himself.  He appears during the celebratory feast to tell Shue: “You’ve done well, my son..er daughter..er whatever you are.” This is the only decent line in the entire movie and it comes when it needed the most. Oops, I just ruined the movie for you by telling you the only funny line in it. Oh well.

Set in a romantic Italian village, it doesn’t take long for America’s Sweetheart to be corrupted by the lustful locals. Roberts travels abroad to find herself, but she doesn’t even make it out of the airport before she loses all of her inhibitions. Javier Bardem plays the customs agent who performs the extremely thorough full-body search which kicks off a two-month long sex romp. This flesh binge doesn’t end until all the village men under the age of 60 sigh with exhaustion at the site of Roberts approaching.  This weariness, I want to be clear, is not shared by the audience. Eat Pray Love is nothing but scene after scene of acrobatic sinning, yet it never gets tiresome. The novelty of a prudish, aging movie star slutting up the countryside never wears off. In taking this daring role, I can only hope that Julie Roberts has set a precedent that might be followed by more attractive actresses in the future.

The story of the remaking of Ghost starts with executive producer Whoopi Goldberg. It was Whoopi who outlined the slightly updated script, it was Whoopi who sold it to the studio, and it was Whoopi who convinced them that she could summon Patrick Swayze’s real ghost to play the lead. It’s hard to belief that the execs really thought she could commune with the dead, but then again, it’s hard to believe that anyone would let Whoopi Goldberg into their office in the first place. I’m told she’s extremely flatulent and sometimes enjoys lighting her farts on fire while in the middle of making a pitch. Not only is this smelly and dangerous, but it’s also really distracting. It’s possible that the only reason they green-lit Ghost in the first place was to get her out of the room faster.

If someone has actual footage of Whoopi’s seances to bring back Patrick Swayze, that documentary I mentioned earlier will win an Oscar. All that has been leaked to the press so far is that she suffered nervous breakdowns and was often seen around town crying, drinking, and talking to herself. She even started a fight in a bar one night. When questioned, she said she was trying to recreate a scene from Roadhouse, hoping Swayze would show up to stop the brawl. He never appeared, and Whoopi ended up spending a night in jail. That’s where the studio execs stepped in to take back control of their movie. They signed Ed Norton to play the lead, Queen Latifa to replace Goldberg, and Jessica Alba to play the Demi Moore role. Rumor has it that Norton was reluctant to join the cast without Goldberg’s approval, siting a deep respect for her original choices. This explains why he claimed to be possessed by Swayze’s ghost when he was signing his contract. In fact, Norton never broke character in Goldberg’s presence during the entire production. This included both the premiere screening and wrap party. It’s hard to say whether or not Whoopi believed him, but she clearly appreciated the effort.

Of course it will all be for nothing, as this movie is going to TANK! Seriously, who has the patience to watch Jessica Alba on screen when she so stubbornly refuses to show her boobs? I know there was no topless scenes in the original movie, but that was one of the “updates” I was expecting in the remake. If she wants people to stop asking her to take off her top, she should become a better actress so that her acting will be good enough distract us from the lack of nudity. Unfortunately for the rest of the hard-working cast, Alba single-handedly destroyed the Ghost remake. For the sake of Patrick Swayze’s legacy, we should all forget this ever happened. If you want to see a pottery love scene, watch the original. If you want to see a pottery love scene featuring boobs, then splice in scenes of nude Demi Moore from Striptease.

Stallone and Jason Statham star as a couple of insurance salesmen who long to throw off the shackles of corporate life and open up a Chinese restaurant. They know how to run a business and they have the capital to get it off the ground, but neither man is Chinese. That’s where Jet Li comes in. Stallone and Statham find Li in an alley feeding rancid tuna to stray cats. When they notice that Li is Chinese, they decide to hire him as their head chef. The only problem? Li can’t cook to save his life. When he was was a small child, he accidentally dropped a huge pot of boiling water on his head while trying to make breakfast for his mom. Since then, Li has been too terrified of stoves to even set foot in a kitchen. Still optimistic, Stallone and Statham decide that all Li needs is a little therapy and some culinary lessons. Bruce Willis makes a cameo as Li’s psychiatrist, and Dolph Lundgren plays the uptight master chef who teaches Li how to cook. In one hilarious scene, Willis confronts Lundgren with a wooden spoon because he feels the grizzled chef is being too hard on Li. For the most part, though, this movie is very serious.

Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a health inspector sent to evaluate the new restaurant. Anyone who thinks Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t have the acting chops for drama needs to see the scene where he realizes he has been poisoned and is about to die after Li accidentally serves him rancid tuna. There was not a dry eye in the theater when, with his dying breath, Arnie forgives Li and tells him to never give up his dream of being a chef. All those other actors that you’ve heard are in the movie play customers who are also accidentally poisoned by Li. It’s pretty anti-climactic, actually. Still, if they’re not going to get Van Damme or Steven Seagal, who really cares what happens to Eric Roberts or Mickey Rourke or Randy Couture. I don’t even know who Randy Couture is, actually. Did I even spell his name right? I’m too lazy to check. Anyway, I think this is a pretty good movie. Especially if, like me, you’ve always wanted to open up a restaurant but were too afraid that you might accidentally kill people with your cooking. Inspiring stuff.

Because this masterpiece will be destroyed before it ever sees the light of day, I can give a detailed account without worrying about spoilers. Let’s start with the cast. On the Goonies side,  Astin returns as Mikey, with Josh Brolin, Ke Huy Quan, Kerry Green, and Martha Plimpton all reprising their respective roles as well. Noticeably missing from the troop were actors Corey Feldman, Jeff Cohen, and of course the deceased John Matuszak who played Sloth. As much as these guys are missed, the recasting for their roles was brilliant. Jason Bateman was tapped to replace Feldman as Mouth, The portly Jonah Hill took over as Chunk, and John C. Reilly plays Sloth. In the Ghostbusters camp, none of the original actors returned to their roles, which was disappointing but not unexpected.  Settling for proven Hollywood ringers, Astin decided to borrow the cast of the A-Team movie and fit them into the Ghostbusters roles. Liam Neeson plays Bill Murray, Bradly Cooper plays Dan Aykroyd, The guy from District 9 plays Egon, and B.A. Baracus plays Winston.

The story begins with a Goonies reunion that has a tragic outcome. As the gang takes out their pirate ship from the Goon Docks, they are attacked by a real band of Japanese pirates. Their treasure is taken, their ship is sunk and all of the Goonies are brutally killed. Unfortunately for the people of Astoria, death does not stop the Goonie’s mischievous antics, as their ghosts soon begin terrorizing the locals. Chunk does the Truffle Shuffle during a church service, and tarantulas crawl out of his naval. Data’s spirit  possesses a toy robot and attacks a child. Mouth pulls down the pants of a stand-up comedian in the middle of his set, causing him to piss on his audience due to nervousness. The mayor eventually decides that he needs to summon the Ghostbusters.

The Ghostbusters arrive on the seen in dire straights themselves. Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd had become lovers but went through a bitter break-up, making it extremely difficult for them to work together. Egon is no longer a genius, thanks to a lab experiment that accidentally shrunk his brain a little. Winston is in the middle of a custody battle over his St. Bernard that he shares with his third wife. To make matters worse they’re all raging alcoholics, and they haven’t busted a ghost since 1990. They show up in Astoria hoping  this job could the be the catalyst that turns their life around. Unfortunately, they don’t get off to a good start. During their first encounter with the Goonies, they accidentally cross the streams,which turns Sloth into a giant retarded ghost version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Then, just when it seems things can’t get any worse, they stumble upon a diabolical conspiracy headed by the Mayor himself!

The tide eventually takes a favorable turn when the Goonies have a change of heart. Upon learning that the Japanese pirates were a part of the Mayor’s plot to destroy the Goon Docks, they join forces with the Ghostbusters to stop him. The mayor is finally defeated when the team throws a sack over his head which is decorated to look like a giant Baby Ruth candy bar wrapper, and he is eaten by Giant Stay Puft Ghost Sloth.

This film has all the action, comedy and heart you’d expect- times infinity! I truly can’t express the sympathy I feel for all of you who will never be enriched by this doomed piece of cinema.  I can only hope that this short review has effectively stimulated your imaginations to a level of minor satisfaction. Perhaps, using my brief plot summary, some die-hard fans can reconstruct an amateur version and share it with the rest of us on Youtube.

This is after about a week of work, although I really only painted a few days. Hope ya like it so far!