I’m going to cut to the chase here. Goonies vs. Ghostbusters is probably the best movie I have ever seen in my entire life. Unfortunately, because of contractual disputes, I may be the only person who ever gets to see it. As we were leaving his private screening room, director Sean Astin told me he plans to burn the only copy of the film before Hollywood big wigs can get their mitts on it. He fought hard to keep every brilliant, yet controversial word of Dan Ackroyd’s screenplay, and he was not about to let the studio dumb things down for mainstream audiences.

Because this masterpiece will be destroyed before it ever sees the light of day, I can give a detailed account without worrying about spoilers. Let’s start with the cast. On the Goonies side,  Astin returns as Mikey, with Josh Brolin, Ke Huy Quan, Kerry Green, and Martha Plimpton all reprise their respective roles as well. Noticeably missing from the troop were actors Corey Feldman, Jeff Cohen, and of course the deceased John Matuszak who played Sloth. As much as these guys are missed, the recasting for their roles was brilliant. Jason Bateman was tapped to replace Feldman as Mouth, The portly Jonah Hill took over as Chunk, and John C. Reilly plays Sloth. In the Ghostbusters camp, none of the original actors returned to their roles, which was disappointing but not unexpected.  Settling for proven Hollywood ringers, Astin decided to borrow the cast of the A-Team movie and fit them into the Ghostbusters roles. Liam Neeson plays Bill Murray, Bradly Cooper plays Dan Aykroyd, The guy from District 9 plays Egon, and B.A. Baracus plays Winston.

The story begins with a Goonies reunion that has a tragic outcome. As the gang takes out their pirate ship from the Goon Docks, they are attacked by a real band of Japanese pirates. Their treasure is taken, their ship is sunk and all of the Goonies are brutally killed. Unfortunately for the people of Astoria, death does not stop the Goonie’s mischievous antics, as their ghosts soon begin terrorizing the locals. Chunk does the Truffle Shuffle during a church service, and tarantulas crawl out of his naval. Data’s spirit  possesses a toy robot and attacks a child. Mouth pulls down the pants of a stand-up comedian in the middle of his set, causing him to piss on his audience due to nervousness. The mayor eventually decides that he needs to summon the Ghostbusters.

The Ghostbusters arrive on the seen in dire straights themselves. Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd had become lovers but went through a bitter break-up, making it extremely difficult for them to work together. Egon is no longer a genius, thanks to a lab experiment that accidentally shrunk his brain a little. Winston is in the middle of a custody battle over his St. Bernard that he shares with his third wife. To make matters worse they’re all raging alcoholics, and they haven’t busted a ghost since 1990. They show up in Astoria hoping  this job could the be the catalyst that turns their life around. Unfortunately, they don’t get off to a good start. During their first encounter with the Goonies, they accidentally cross the streams,which turns Sloth into a giant retarded ghost version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Then, just when it seems things can’t get any worse, they stumble upon a diabolical conspiracy headed by the Mayor himself!

The tide eventually takes a favorable turn when the Goonies have a change of heart. Upon learning that the Japanese pirates were a part of the Mayor’s plot to destroy the Goon Docks, they join forces with the Ghostbusters to stop him. The mayor is finally defeated when the team throws a sack over his head which is decorated to look like a giant Baby Ruth candy bar wrapper, and he is eaten by Giant Stay Puft Ghost Sloth.

This film has all the action, comedy and heart you’d expect- times infinity! I truly can’t express the sympathy I feel for all of you who will never be enriched by this doomed piece of cinema.  I can only hope that this short review has effectively stimulated your imaginations to a level of minor satisfaction. Perhaps, using my brief plot summary, some die-hard fans can reconstruct an amateur version and share it with the rest of us on Youtube.

While this film isn’t quite a remake, it does qualify as one more unoriginal Hollywood adaptation. This time, the source material is the 1940 animated Disney film Fantasia. Of course, with childhood-nostalgia-destroyer Jerry Bruckheimer producing, and hack National Treasure director Jon Turtletaub directing, you can expect such a departure from the inspiration that you won’t even recognize the characters. Probably the worst example is that Mickey Mouse, played by Jay Baruchel, doesn’t have big black ears or wear red pants with two horizontal white buttons. In fact, he isn’t even a mouse! In another miscalculation by Disney, Nicholas Cage reprises his role as Ghost Rider, only this time he doesn’t have a flaming skull and he isn’t riding a motorcycle. Comic book fans were initially wary when Disney bought Marvel Comics, but not in their worst nightmares did they expect the corporation to so blatantly misuse their new property. It just goes to show how dangerous cultural monopolies are, and how they destroy all artist integrity.

Plot-wise,  Apprentice offers pretty much the standard Hollywood formulaic dribble. You have an awkward kid who gets picked on by the other kids at school because he doesn’t know how to shoot fireballs. The kid accidentally saves the puppy of a great sorcerer, and sorcerer repays the kid by teaching him how to shoot fireballs. The kid finds out that the bullies at school are actually dark wizards, and then its up to the kid and the sorcerer to stop them. Using fireballs. Is it more interesting because the kid is Mickey Mouse and the sorcerer is Ghost Rider? Surprisingly not. There was potential here for one of the most amazing team-ups in all of fiction, but it was ruined by the studio’s disregard for the source material. This disappointing waste of digital camera battery is yet another example of why Disney should stick to what it is good at: nothing. It should stop doing anything. It should stop making movies, it should stop making rides and amusement parks, it should stop extending copyrights. Disney should just stop existing.

In adding to the Rocky canon, there are two obvious choices: make another sequel, (which was done as recently as four years ago with Rocky Balboa), or remake the original 1976 film. What nobody saw coming was a remake of the culturally dated 1985 sequel Rocky IV.

By skipping a reboot of the entire franchise and going straight for a specific chapter, writer/director David Cox-Arquette parodies Hollywood’s self-professed “remake hysteria”  with zaniness and bat-shit irony. The brilliant casting of  Mr. T as Rocky prevents further directors from following in his foot steps by insuring that a Rocky III remake is all but impossible. Additionally, Cox-Arquette’s other casting choices are sure to amuse and confuse anyone nostalgic about the original cold war classic. Dolph Lundgren dons black-face make-up to play Apollo Creed, 64-year-old Talia Shire reprises her role as Adrian Balboa, and Ellen DeGeneres (in drag) plays the ghost of coach Mickey Goldmill.  The Daily Show‘s Aasif Mandvi plays the film’s main antagonist as a part what may be Cox-Aquette’s boldest and most entertaining directorial decision. Following in recent remake tradition, the Russian menace of the 80′s is replaced with the more currently relevant threat of Islamic terrorism. However, Afghanistan’s “Great Brown Hope” is inexplicably still named Ivan Drogo!

Punch for punch, the action sequences in Rocky IV leave any previous Rocky movie in the dust. Mr. T is as ripped as he’s ever been, and Mandvi’s swift footwork required the film crew to actually speed up the camera in order to capture his lightning-quick moves. The boxing, however, is not the reason to see this film. Cox-Aquette throws twist after twist at his unsuspecting audience, asking more questions than he answers, but always satisfying with sharp whit and intense drama. And also boobs. Talia Shire may not have the figure she did in 1985, but her devoted fans have nothing to complain about. The best part is how the classy nude scene is tied into the film’s climax. Adrian Balboa causes the necessary 15th-round diversion by flashing her mature rack at Drogo while Rocky delivers the knock-out blow. Classy stuff.

For fans of action-oriented vampire films, the latest installment in the Twilight Saga: Eclipse may be somewhat of a disappointment. For me, though, I found the dull, sloth-like plot to be original and refreshing.  As any Mormon can tell you, vampires aren’t all about the sex and blood. Immortality means an infinite amount of time for reflection and personal growth, even if you are so young when you become a vampire that you can never grow a beard to expound your wisdom.

This chapter begins with the romantic vampire Edward witnessing the love of his life Bella receiving oral pleasure from his wolfman rival Jacob. The scene is surprisingly graphic, as we see Jacob planted squarely between Bella’s legs, lifting his head  only to occasionally reassure her that oral sex doesn’t actually count as “sex”. Edward, watching through the window just above the bed, is not convinced. We see that he is so disappointed in Bella that he can’t even muster the energy to be angry. His muffled sobs are heard by the lovers inside, but he dashes off with vampire speed before Bella can scramble out of the house to “explain” the situation. She finally catches up with him on the edge of a cliff where he is staring directly into a solar eclipse. He is attempting to burn out his retinas in order remove the terrible vision of infidelity he has just witnessed. Unfortunately for him, this masochistic act is undone by his super vampire healing powers only moments after he loses his sight. Realizing that his temporary handicap earned him sympathy and affection from Bella, he spends the next act of the film faking blindness to keep her by his side. However, Jacob is also blinded when he gets shot in both eyes by silver bullets, and Edward loses his pity advantage. Eddie is forced to come clean about regaining his sight when he instinctively reacts to the visual cue of Jacob leaning in to kiss him. Jacob, legitimately blind, insists that he mistook Edward’s flowery scent for Bella’s. It is ambiguous as to whether or not he is telling the truth about this, and we’re left wondering what his true motivations for the attempted kiss really are.

One of the problems viewers might have with the film is that it ends before the near-kiss between the two boyish monsters is resolved. It is clear that this will be a major plot point in the next sequel, but, if you expect a formulaic Hollywood ending to this one, you will probably not leave the theater feeling very satisfied. Perhaps Robert Pattinson’s brooding subtlety is not quite subtle enough to earn him an Oscar this time, but it is encouraging to see him beginning to develop into the talent he is destined to be. The rest of the cast has a way to go before they catch up to him, but the masterful direction and cinematography make up for any of their shortcomings. I, for one, am grateful that director David Slade decided to take a cue from fellow vampire expert Joss Whedon in giving his audience what it NEEDS, instead of what it wants.